the love that you aren’t given (and probably deserve)

It’s been, what, two months since I touched this? I’ve actually been thinking about writing one every so often, then forget by the time I come home. I don’t like that idea actually — i like having this as this waterfall of words that don’t really make sense. I like when I just have ideas endlessly flow and I don’t stop typing because I have so much to say about… anything I guess. I’m not sure if I touched on it my last post actually, I remember thinking about it but I don’t like rereading my stuff. But, it feels to fake. Too fabricated. I definetley talked about this in the last post. Don’t remmeber which one though.

I’ve recently discovered how close suicide is. Not to my personally, I joke about it a lot, but I’m not sure how serious I even get. But, so many people are just so close (have been so close) that I just…. didn’t realize. I didn’t know she was going to kill herself. She looked fine. Her grades were up, she had a whole friend group. I asked her about her arm? Thigh? Calf? I remember there being deep scars. I don’t know from what. I don’t know how she was going to.

She’s not unlike me, to some extent. Of course, she’s far more successful than I am — near perfect IB score, strong extracurriculars, nice personality — but it’s strange to see her struggle with some of the same stuff: imposter syndrome, mainly. She’s who I’d be afraid of, yet she’s the one who’s terrified of the other people going to university with her. She’s worried about “fitting in” and her “lack of socalization skills” when in reality, she’s one of the most entertaining and interesting people I talk to because she can just talk about anything and seem educated in a wide variety of subjects. Of course, I think I can admire her like the others. However, she just seems a bit falliable now. She thinks that hiding it is disingenious to her friends, since it is such an important aspect of her life. She’s open about her preferences and doesn’t seem to hide away. I know she’s had it worse than me — she’s the one who was physically hurt, had those unreachable expectations that even my parents didn’t touch, she’s been the “second choice” academically — but I don’t admire her like others. I have a deep rooted respect for her. Maybe it’s because I’ve known for awhile and she’s not someone who will just “pass” during my time in school. Or, I sure hope not. She has traits I admire, but I don’t think I’ll ever steal. Vulnerability doesn’t look as good on me, as it does with her. I do think we both need therapy though.

One other aspect of her is her complicated relationship with her parents. Well, her mom. I know them both personally, they’re nice people. But of course,that’s only the side they show to their “friends”. Whose parents are the same when they’re alone and when they have guests over? It’s interesting, depsite the fact that they’ve done her “worse” (of course, this is relative, I’m not here to argue and compare us, like our parents do), she still likes her mom a lot. Maybe it’s because she’s open. She’s forgiving. She remembers, but she puts it aside. Maybe it’s because her mom is like that. Maybe it’s because she’s so involved in her life, unlike mine. I’m not sure. They went on a trip together. I am not going on a trip just because she’s going. Maybe it’s the lack of care from my parents that makes it worse? She struggles with the transition of being “good enough for them.” I thinkt hat’s valid if they suddenly switch — that happened too for me, just not as sudden — and I understand how she thinks she’s not worth it. It’s a complicated conflict regarding love, expectation, and wishing the best just not done in the correct way. I hope she gets the help she needs. Espicially since it’s not just that. I really hope she’s okay this summer.

Love is also just a complicated thing in general. I’ve pondered: what is love (baby don’t hurt me?) and what does it mean to love somebody. How can you define something so intangible? Is it just a feeling? Who knows man. I surely don’t know.

I really admire her and him and the way they just are. They too, seem infallable. She’s just. She’s not perfect. I won’t romanticize her. She’s far from it. But at least socially, she’s someone I want to be. Of course, I don’t want to take everything from her — there are some aspects I prefer him for — but like. The way she just interacts with people is… something I don’t think I can ever do. Despite her awkward introductions, she integrates so nicely. Perhaps, I am the opposite. I’m only here for one aspect, then I leave. Whether that’s my fault (as in I drop off the face of the Earth or don’t put enough effort) is pretty easy to tell, because she just simply tries harder. But I don’t think I can ever try as hard as she will. I think that gives it away. Who she is. It should be no surprise the she gets her own section too, don’t you think? She deserves one.

He, on the other hand, I can also admire. They’re actually quite similar. They’re not open… so to speak. Not in the traditionally manner I admire(?). He’s just the center. And I don’t think that’ll ever happen to me. But I can completley understand why. He — to me at least — is one faced. He doesn’t change and he doesn’t comply. Well, of course he does, based on his audience, but I like that he’s just one. whole. in front of his friends. And of course, he struggles too, with a myraid of problems I probably will never understand. He’s also resolute in what he believes in, which I really admire. However, he… makes questionable choices. I’ll help him. I really hope he gets better. But I don’t know how it’s goign to happen. He’s going to fall.

Anyways, going back to the title. Here are three different situations with three different people, all loved in their own ways. Outwardly, they all seem fine. They seem happy. They seem successful in their own ways. However, love is singlehandely breaking them down. From the lack of love and the surplus of love from the first, her caring to much for him, and him caring too much about everything he beleives it. I’m not saying the last one isn’t justified. I completley understand why it happens. Who gets to decide how love plays a role in these relationships. Who gets to decide what is too much and too little. There isnt’ a playbook for love where you can just look at it, then think “oh yea, that’s how you do it.” Of course not. That’d make it too easy. But all of them think — or at least believe — that they’re doingn it right. Of crouse, they’re never goign tof ind out until they see their consequences first ahnd. But who gets to deicde who is loved and how much they are. How do they decide?

Going further in, how do you decide how to be loved. I’m facistinated by their relationship (2 and 3) because you just decide who to love. You just go, one day, and realize. Holy. I am in love with them. I am in absolute shambles. I would, quite literally, kill myself if that meant that they are happy. If they are there, everything is alright. How does that work? People, I think, are facstainting. However, how do you become one who is loved? How do you exploit it? Well, okay not exploit. How to you determine who gets loved and who is not. What shifts it from friends → lovers? Or strangers → lovers? Is it the way they look? The way they interact with you? How?

This sounds like an absolute cry for validation. You’re not wrong, to some extent. I’m a fan of validation, of course, but I hate it at the same time. Someone says I’m cs-ing well the game? I hate hearing it. I hate people watching me struggle, actually. I like being someone who seems to breeze through life and doesn’t get hurt at all. Doesn’t need help. Infalliable. However, that’s nobdoy. Nobdoy is like that. If someone is succeeding, it isn’t because they didn’t try. THey had to spend horus, days, months getting to that point because everything requires work. It’s something that I’ve had the pleasure to not experience because HAHA! I’M JUST THAT COOL! But like. It’s an unwelcome tap when you realize that you’ve wasted everything you have becuase you’re lazy. Nobody is infabbiliable. If they are, then I’ll believe in God.

There’s so much to talk about. Why do I get to recieve love when others don’t. Despite questioning love so much, and craving validation sometimes, I stillh ate when I am validated and geniunely do not believe I should be loved. Like I’ve said before, I don’t think I am meant to be loved. I am not built for loving. Not given or taken.

I’m trying to learn. League. I like the idea of it, but hate it at the same time. I don’t know. It’ll bring me closer to them, at the very least. But also, I don’t care for it. It goes back to the idea of passion. I am not passionate. About anything. I want to be, but I simply will not put the work in.

2 and 3 are together. They’re joined by someone else. Someone who, I will never get close to. Do I want to? Maybe. Like he said, I think — if we were already friends — we would get along well. I just. I don’t know. She’s just capable of it. I am not. That is the difference between us.

None of the people I have talked abotu are infalliable. However, I believe that I can never become anything like them. They are just simply. Better. Of course, I’m talking socially for a lto of it, but I really think that she is better than me in academics if she tried. She learns things quickly. I’ve always though I learned things quickly, but apparently not. She just cares.

I hope they’re happy. They all deserve to be happy. And I don’t think I will be necessary for that happiness. That includes you, as much as you try to deny it. I don’t know if you’ll read it. Or if you ever will. I don’t know if you’ve even checked it since my last post. I don’t know if it’s better or worse that you’re reading it.

I’ve also been reading other people’s writing. It’s pretty. It really is. I can’t write like them. I don’t know if i want to. Well, of course I do, and htye sound very nice. I just don’t want to change.

Change. It’s always about change.

What if, I am just not capable of changing. I can only take things temperarlily. But I will never change. I will never be enough. I am meant to be unlovable.

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